I always had a feeling of being the unwanted in the family. No, this is not a pity blog. Don't need pity and I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me. I could care less or give a damn about the attention. This blog is about me finally coming to terms of what I always expected.
Please hold your pity and your bullshit crappy advice. You judging me in the last thing I need. I know I'm not an angel and I have done and said things I shouldn't. I blame no one, but there are fingers to point at besides me. Am I calling people out? YA DAMN STRAIGHT.
I always thought I was the odd one in the family and that I was unwanted. Well not always, but back in my teen and pre-teen years I knew something wasn't right.
I start with my mother. Now that I look back on things and the way she treated and treats me 'til this day. I realized that she might have never wanted to me, or any child for that matter. My mother never spent time with me when I was young. Yes I knew she had a job and she had to work, but if I could rewind time and let you see what I saw, you're mind would change. As I got older she cared less about me and the older I got the less she cared. She couldn't wait 'til I grew up so she could go back to her partying life and her own life. Sometimes I wish I was the child she aborted or she would have given me up for adoption.
Next my grandmother, this woman can't keep her mouth shut. She'll tell everything which why I choose to never tell her anything and encourage my mother to never tell her anything, but she doesn't listen. My grandmother tells everybody everything. She does it on purpose and she does it to make fun. She loves talking about me and the things I USED to do, that she tells people I STILL do. But when you go to say things about her and my other cousins, she's ready to retaliate and pearl harbor you.
My great-grandmother. Who is evil. Yes I said evil. Don't like what I said dig a hole and bury yourself. I care nothing about you or your feelings. Sit on a ten-foot pole and fuck yourself and don't forget to have a nice day. Now I get that she is OLD and sick. I have met people her age and older, some sick like her, some more so and some less, and those women are the sweetest and nicest you could ever meet. I would go on but if I do, I might get disowned, but don't worry I wasn't going to say anything bad or damaging.
My problems are my problems. NOT yours. If you make my problems your problems. Then YOU'VE got problems, my friend, and YOU need to work on that, my friend.
I don't have a job and I live with my mother in an apartment. Who is to blame? ME!
Who is doing something about it? ME! What am I doing? NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!
If you don't like what am I doing. Go sit on that ten-foot pole I was telling you about earlier!
I don't hate my life at all. In fact I love it. Don't tell me what I should love, like or do with my life. See? Get it? MY LIFE! Not yours. Worry about yours and leave mines the fuck alone. If I choose to do shit with my life and end up alone and broke or on the streets. Then leave me be.
I am a procrastinator. I admit it. I need to work on that. Putting me down isn't going help me or make me feel any better. Why do people think if they put you down that will make a person do better with their lives? That doesn't work. It only makes a person feel like shit. Why don't people try to be nice and try to encourage a person to do better? You don't have to all butterflies and gummy bears with it, but don't put a person down. I just guess it's just easier to be a bitch and rude, than it is to be nice. It takes too much strength and energy to be nice. So who is the weaker person now?
There are things I need to be doing and I am doing them. I may not be doing them the way you like or see fit. I am doing things the best way I can. You don't like it; again scroll up to the pole I keep talking about.
I don't blame anyone but myself. I put myself in the positions and situations that I am in. I did this to myself. I am trying to make things better for me, no one else but me. I care less about my family. Yes I know that is a shitty thing to say, but that is how I feel.
Not everyone is going to have a good relationship or a bad relationship or a relationship at all with their families. I'm fine with that. Do I wish my family got along? Yes! Do I wish we could get together and not have any problems? Yes! Do I wish we would not argue over stupid things and stab each other in the back and yelling at each other and so on? Yes! But we don't and that's that.
When I get my own and live on my own and do for myself. I choose to separate myself for majority of this family. The minorities know who they are. Yeah those 8 people, out of a possible 21 or more, know who they are. I would say names, but I am not.
I forgive and I choose to forget, but I can't live with it. God give me strength. I love myself and I am the only one who matters.
Kiss the kids for me!